335: Suites 1-3, by RJD2

Come to Xenu.Transcript of un-aired Terry Gross interview with God.

TG: I would like to welcome our guest, the divine Creator, God. God, thank-you for joining us.

G: Glad to be here. Thanks for having me. This will be a good interview.

TG: Super! A good rating from the most important and omniscient critic ever! Okay, so I am going to get right down to one of the questions all my listeners want to know the answer to, and that is “Why are we here?”

G: To survive, really. That’s it. Fear, pain, consciousness… those are just tools you use to survive. Everything other than survival is first world problems and frankly, it’s academic. Love and morality is pretty cool, though. You guys should stick with all that as part of your overall survival plan. Because I said so. [Wink.]

TG: For those of you listening, God just winked at me, and it was magical. Do I taste chocolate? Wow, God winks, and you taste chocolate! That is fantastic. But what exactly do you mean by survival? Individual survival? Species survival? Or do you mean, like, our ideas?

G: I mean survival. The constant exertion of life and being. Existing rather than not, and the yearning to do so. I’m talking about that thing that makes a seedling reach toward the light and dig into the asphalt. It’s actually a force I just built in. It should work its way through your whole self, even if you’re broken. [pregnant pause] Honestly, Terry, I rather detest this line of questioning. I get that life is hard. If anyone gets it, I get it. But humans asking me “WHY?” all the time when they’re sitting in a universe that is absolutely Top Notch is downright perturbing. Don’t worry, Terry, I won’t fly off the handle here. Rumors of my temper have been greatly exaggerated. But let me tell you, it’s no walk in the park to create a universe from nothing, and one that doesn’t collapse immediately isn’t instant pudding, either. Do you know how many tries it took me to get yours just right? It’s grueling work, it is. And billions of years of development later, you humans and your “consciousness” wind up wanting to move out of the universe I made you, and into existences of your own confabulation before you’re even through with the one I made you… to answer the question why! It’s just sort of thankless, and frankly, beside the point.

TG: That’s amazing. I hadn’t really considered the question from that angle. Sorry, God! Leave it to God to come up with a new way for me to see things. Okay, next question. Isn’t it true that all religions are at least partially right, so far as they share a common theme of love and peaceful fellowship? Please elaborate in your own words.

G: It depends on what your definition of “is” is. [Wink.]

TG: Mmmm. Another wink. That time, it tasted like roast duck. Wow, I mean, that is something for us to take home… the definition of is. Okay, let me recover with a question about you. Ever been married?

G: Terry, I knew you were going to ask me that.

TG: Shut up!

G: No really, I did. Time and space are like my chest hair. This chest hair right here.

TG: God, are you flirting with me? Stick with the question, you’re not getting off that easy. I can’t believe you’re flirting with me! Your chest hair smells like a baby.

G: No, Terry, I am not married.

TG: Have you ever been? That would be, like, big news, you know, if you ever had been.

G: Sea otters.

TG: Sea otters? Say what you mean by that.

G: I speak in mysterious ways.

TG: So, is “sea otters” like a word puzzle, or a reference to a parable, or an anagram, maybe?

G: Okay, you got me. I once created a different universe, and in that universe I was married. It was a different timespace and something I don’t like to talk about in other continuums. “Sea otters” is just my safe word. I knew the producer forgot to tell you… but this is the best possible outcome for the interview, so I let the confusion stand.

TG: I am sorry I pressed you. And of course I will forgive my producer despite her grievous error. But, wow, I mean, sometimes I worry about what I am going to wear, or like, I will overthink something someone said to me. Another universe, though… That’s a lot heavier than having an ex or, you know, like, a timeshare.

G: I try to keep it real. The other universe, I mean. It’s not like there’s just a big BANG and you’re done with making a universe. It actually takes work from moment to moment to keep it real, and existing. I have to keep trying, or else it’ll sort of poof away.

TG: So, are you, like, straining right now, to keep our universe in existence?

G: No, I’m pretty used to it, but thanks for asking. That compassion part of humanity is especially cute, and almost makes up for the surly attitude the rest of the time. Keep that up. It’s nice to feel cared for. But don’t coddle me. I can take the shaking fists now and then. Shows you’re trying.

TG: Speaking of keeping things real, this body that you’re in. Do you always look like a bald, bearded, dark-skinned male human? I had sort of hoped you’d show up, you know, as a female, or maybe an inhuman orb of light emanating pure compassion. You sort of look like an old version of, like, the Shaft-era Isaac Hayes. When you can take the shape of anyone or anything, why Shaft-era Isaac Hayes?

G: Sea otters.

TG: Okay, next question. Can you tell me if humanity will ever conquer its selfish nature and put an end to war as we know it?

G: Good question. [Wink.]

TG: Mmmm. Wow, I felt that one all over. Strawberries and cream. You know, God, you just have a way of saying things. And God, I want to thank you so much for your time, and well, for everything! … Oh, God, you just turned into a beautiful blond woman!

G: Terry, I am embedding a hidden message inside three musical pieces by the artist RJD2. Don’t over-analyze it, but it’s important. And the message is hidden in a set of instrumentals, so you sort of have to figure it out on your own and apply your own meaning. The album is called More Is Than Isn’t, which may or may not also hold a hidden meaning. NPR won’t air this. In fact, this interview will exist solely in the form of an imagined transcript published on an obscure blog with a pitiful following and very few will ever know anything like the truth about anything. I work in ways mysterious.

Enjoy it.

Songs: Suite 1, Suite 2, Suite 3
Artist: RJD2
Album: More Is Than Isn’t
Label: RJ’s Electrical Connections
Buy: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: Spotify | YouTube

About Uncle Funk
I find songs for you.

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