341: High Five from Uncle Funk

S4_E21_High_Five!Uncle Funk made a YouTube playlist for you to slap a big high five with.

Click these words, friend. (Sorry for the ads, but they need not enslave your mind.)

1) “Sweet Salvation” by The Stepkids

2) “Peace” by Radio Citizen (N E W – R E L E A S E!)

3) “Triple Helix” by Jimi Tenor, KABU KABU

4) “Back Pocket” by Vulfpeck (N E W – R E L E A S E!)

5) “Too Fine” by Bosley

Savor & repeat.

339: “Boogaloo Stuff” by Headnodic

Getting down, with perspective…Inner peace inner suit inner pool

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
-Douglas Adams

The fear of appearances is the first symptom of impotence.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.
-Bill Hicks

If we are always arriving and departing, it is also true that we are eternally anchored. One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.
-Henry Miller

Song: Boogaloo Stuff
Artist: Headnodic
Album: Junk Drawer, Vol. 1
Label: Piecelock 70
ListenGoogle PlayiTunesAmazonMP3

338: “Loopdreams” by AIM / Slow Motion Laughing Baby

Classics are classics.
But just look at the sky,
And look back down.
Things have changed,
If only the angle of your neck.

Old is new.

Be careful where you point your mind.
Aim deliberately.
Safety’s off.
Clock’s ticking.
Exhale slowly…
And listen.

Song: Loopdreams
Artist: AIM
Album: Means of Production
Label: Grand Central Records
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: YouTube


337: “Do The Stanley Weinberger” by The Gene Dudley Group

Vapor wake fluctuation manifestationA Tuesday, in late March…

I picked up an unusually shaped set of wind chimes, and the sound waves generated by my lifting them created a sentient being, hanging in mid-air in the garden section of Curtis Lowe’s, composed of the vapor wake interference of the perfectly woven tones. The entity glowed pinkish purple, was translucent, and vaguely humanoid in shape.

Its first words, matching the movements of changes in color I took for its mouth, but with sound coming from the chimes in my shaking hand, were, “Don’t put the chimes down!”

I froze and held the chimes a little farther away from me. The apparition smiled? My hands were shaking, and the chimes continued to vibrationally manifest an entity into existence from what was inert air before me, two feet from my face. Its mouth opened again. It said, “I’m glad you’re nervous and shaking. Keep moving the chimes. Don’t touch them. If you stop them ringing, I’ll die.”

My arm ached just at the thought of holding onto these chimes for more than a few minutes. I looked around for a place to hang the sentient chimes. The spirit’s voice quickly rung out again, through a composite voice of all the chimes at once, “Don’t hang the chimes. Carry me. I need you… father.”

I dramatically arched a single eyebrow. The right one. I said, “What are you, anyway?”

The chimes said, “I am a new creature that never existed before you picked up the set of chimes you’re holding. But I intuit that I can exist only in relatively still air. So the chimes are likely only strong enough for me to exist indoors. Otherwise, even a weak wind would break up the tiny changes in air pressure that compose my internal machinations. I would like to be named ‘Gene Dudley.’”

I said, “So you exist solely in the ringing sounds of wind chimes that can’t be in the wind?”

Gene Dudley’s ghostly head drooped toward the floor, and he said in his beautiful, unearthly voice, “Yes.”

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad being father to sentient wind chimes. Gene was pretty smart for just being around 20 seconds old. But my arm was shaking, and I am not a strong person. I didn’t consider, in those moments we had together, creating some type of automated chime shaker. I just felt the pain growing in my arm, like a porcupine baby in a womb. I said, “Wind chimes that can’t be in the wind, but can’t be quiet. Are you just trying to teach me a lesson?”

Gene Dudley said, “Look at the label on the chimes. What does it say? Where did I come from, father?”

I pulled the chimes closer to my face, careful not to touch any of the magical singing tubes. The label on the chimes, just above the barcode, read, “SKU76319 $179.99.”

I was like, “$179.99. No way.” Maybe if I had had a gift card. I set the protesting $180 Gene Dudley down gently, and snuffed his existence like a hemorrhoid pad putting out a lit match.

I went into the store for a rake, anyway.

Song: Do The Stanley Weinberger
Artist: The Gene Dudley Group
Album: Saturday Shifting
Label: Wah Wah 45’s
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: YouTube

336: 7 Quotes, 7 Songs

Quotations and Aural Stimulations.
Spotify Playlist: 7 Quotes, 7 Songs

I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.
-Richard Pryor

“Chatter” by The Cheebacabra, from Exile in the Woods
Listen: Bandcamp


It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
-Johnny Knoxville

“You’re So Good To Me” by Cocheme’a Gastelum, from The Electric Sound of Johnny Arrow


If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.
-Noam Chomsky

“Ticking Over” by Frootful, from Colours


You cannot reform your society or institution without opening your mind.
-Bashar al-Assad

“Still Burning (Feat. Jessica Fitoussi)” by Mister Donut & Ugly Mac Beer, from Modonut


There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we’d all love one another.
-Frank Zappa

“Golden” by Funki Porcini, from Le Banquet Cassio
Listen: Bandcamp


Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.
-Martin Heidegger

“Master of Life” by Khraungbin, from The Infamous Bill
Listen: LateNightTales


Our brains have been designed to blur the line between self and other. It is an ancient neural circuitry that marks every mammal, from mouse to elephant.
-Frans de Waal

“Firesticks” by Skeletons, from Smile

335: Suites 1-3, by RJD2

Come to Xenu.Transcript of un-aired Terry Gross interview with God.

TG: I would like to welcome our guest, the divine Creator, God. God, thank-you for joining us.

G: Glad to be here. Thanks for having me. This will be a good interview.

TG: Super! A good rating from the most important and omniscient critic ever! Okay, so I am going to get right down to one of the questions all my listeners want to know the answer to, and that is “Why are we here?”

G: To survive, really. That’s it. Fear, pain, consciousness… those are just tools you use to survive. Everything other than survival is first world problems and frankly, it’s academic. Love and morality is pretty cool, though. You guys should stick with all that as part of your overall survival plan. Because I said so. [Wink.]

TG: For those of you listening, God just winked at me, and it was magical. Do I taste chocolate? Wow, God winks, and you taste chocolate! That is fantastic. But what exactly do you mean by survival? Individual survival? Species survival? Or do you mean, like, our ideas?

G: I mean survival. The constant exertion of life and being. Existing rather than not, and the yearning to do so. I’m talking about that thing that makes a seedling reach toward the light and dig into the asphalt. It’s actually a force I just built in. It should work its way through your whole self, even if you’re broken. [pregnant pause] Honestly, Terry, I rather detest this line of questioning. I get that life is hard. If anyone gets it, I get it. But humans asking me “WHY?” all the time when they’re sitting in a universe that is absolutely Top Notch is downright perturbing. Don’t worry, Terry, I won’t fly off the handle here. Rumors of my temper have been greatly exaggerated. But let me tell you, it’s no walk in the park to create a universe from nothing, and one that doesn’t collapse immediately isn’t instant pudding, either. Do you know how many tries it took me to get yours just right? It’s grueling work, it is. And billions of years of development later, you humans and your “consciousness” wind up wanting to move out of the universe I made you, and into existences of your own confabulation before you’re even through with the one I made you… to answer the question why! It’s just sort of thankless, and frankly, beside the point.

TG: That’s amazing. I hadn’t really considered the question from that angle. Sorry, God! Leave it to God to come up with a new way for me to see things. Okay, next question. Isn’t it true that all religions are at least partially right, so far as they share a common theme of love and peaceful fellowship? Please elaborate in your own words.

G: It depends on what your definition of “is” is. [Wink.]

TG: Mmmm. Another wink. That time, it tasted like roast duck. Wow, I mean, that is something for us to take home… the definition of is. Okay, let me recover with a question about you. Ever been married?

G: Terry, I knew you were going to ask me that.

TG: Shut up!

G: No really, I did. Time and space are like my chest hair. This chest hair right here.

TG: God, are you flirting with me? Stick with the question, you’re not getting off that easy. I can’t believe you’re flirting with me! Your chest hair smells like a baby.

G: No, Terry, I am not married.

TG: Have you ever been? That would be, like, big news, you know, if you ever had been.

G: Sea otters.

TG: Sea otters? Say what you mean by that.

G: I speak in mysterious ways.

TG: So, is “sea otters” like a word puzzle, or a reference to a parable, or an anagram, maybe?

G: Okay, you got me. I once created a different universe, and in that universe I was married. It was a different timespace and something I don’t like to talk about in other continuums. “Sea otters” is just my safe word. I knew the producer forgot to tell you… but this is the best possible outcome for the interview, so I let the confusion stand.

TG: I am sorry I pressed you. And of course I will forgive my producer despite her grievous error. But, wow, I mean, sometimes I worry about what I am going to wear, or like, I will overthink something someone said to me. Another universe, though… That’s a lot heavier than having an ex or, you know, like, a timeshare.

G: I try to keep it real. The other universe, I mean. It’s not like there’s just a big BANG and you’re done with making a universe. It actually takes work from moment to moment to keep it real, and existing. I have to keep trying, or else it’ll sort of poof away.

TG: So, are you, like, straining right now, to keep our universe in existence?

G: No, I’m pretty used to it, but thanks for asking. That compassion part of humanity is especially cute, and almost makes up for the surly attitude the rest of the time. Keep that up. It’s nice to feel cared for. But don’t coddle me. I can take the shaking fists now and then. Shows you’re trying.

TG: Speaking of keeping things real, this body that you’re in. Do you always look like a bald, bearded, dark-skinned male human? I had sort of hoped you’d show up, you know, as a female, or maybe an inhuman orb of light emanating pure compassion. You sort of look like an old version of, like, the Shaft-era Isaac Hayes. When you can take the shape of anyone or anything, why Shaft-era Isaac Hayes?

G: Sea otters.

TG: Okay, next question. Can you tell me if humanity will ever conquer its selfish nature and put an end to war as we know it?

G: Good question. [Wink.]

TG: Mmmm. Wow, I felt that one all over. Strawberries and cream. You know, God, you just have a way of saying things. And God, I want to thank you so much for your time, and well, for everything! … Oh, God, you just turned into a beautiful blond woman!

G: Terry, I am embedding a hidden message inside three musical pieces by the artist RJD2. Don’t over-analyze it, but it’s important. And the message is hidden in a set of instrumentals, so you sort of have to figure it out on your own and apply your own meaning. The album is called More Is Than Isn’t, which may or may not also hold a hidden meaning. NPR won’t air this. In fact, this interview will exist solely in the form of an imagined transcript published on an obscure blog with a pitiful following and very few will ever know anything like the truth about anything. I work in ways mysterious.

Enjoy it.

Songs: Suite 1, Suite 2, Suite 3
Artist: RJD2
Album: More Is Than Isn’t
Label: RJ’s Electrical Connections
Buy: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: Spotify | YouTube

334: “One For The Trouble” by Lack of Afro

The Badass Hummingbird (Take Two)

Gonna getchaI swoop, slash, and drive your dull gullet far away from the nectar that fortifies these sweet pectorals. I am so badass.

Driven by an intimidating, inborn sense of style, I fly casually by your punk, low-nectar self, sitting on “your” feeder, and I taunt you. I show you how easy I think it is to take your juice, and, of course, you are afraid. I swoop, with a threat to bite the scruff on your neck, but infinitely more likely, you will take off when you see the flash of my plumage, the look in my eye, and the furious beat of my wind kickers.

As likely so, that later, when the sky quakes, and rain chases you beneath the cover of leaf, that the rumble of my wings will sound through the nightmares of your buzzing mind.

But now I pause in mid-air,
to share with you, bird to human,
an important fact I will divulge to no other like myself…

I am backed into a corner, and living every moment in fear it’s my last.
I make myself every minute of every day.
And I don’t remember anything before I became this way.

It’s exhausting work, but I rule with the ladies, and my DNA will march like a stallion across the fields of time.

The wrinkles in your pride, my fellow birds, diminish you, and I remain.
I am the steel arm of sunrise and sunset,
Come to sweep away the malefactions of your inferiority.
I will suck on the sweet, floral nipples of your desire, egg up your ladies, and I will do it for a prolonged, humiliating period.

For the stallion rides.


Excess of FunkLack of Afro (a Brit named Adam Gibbons) makes sounds with his monkey wings, just taunting you to come at him, bro. Here is “One For The Trouble” from his 2014 release Music For Adverts.

Take some nectar, and enjoy your nervous flight along the edge of existence.

Artist: Lack of Afro
Album: Music for Adverts
Label: Freestyle Records
Buy from: Freestyle Records
Listen: YouTube

332: “Guerreiro” by Curumin

The answer is right behind your right ear.I met a Scientologist recently who changed my mind about Scientology. You see, I was guilty of judging Scientology by the fact that it was created by a sci-fi author and more than seven hundred other reasons based on sound logic and elementary discernment.

But then a Scientologist named Keviin from North Hollywood gave me the gift of perspective.

From the moment Keviin and I first met, our connection was strong. We went directly into a man-hug right at the start of the handshake. I laughed naturally several times during pleasantries before noting that Keviin smelled like honeysuckle. When I commented on the aroma, Keviin showed me the honeysuckle gland all Scientologists manifest behind their ears as part of their development. The gland was invisible, but the smell was undeniable!

Color me intrigued, Keviin!!

Keviin further bolstered the legitimacy of a religion that markets expensive services to egocentric millionaires when he literally levitated.

Background on the levitation: Captain T. Cruise was having an horrific bowel movement right at that moment, which was communicated via a telepathic distress call for psychokinetic prostate massage. And when Keviin remotely massaged Tom Cruise’s prostate with his mind, his corporeal body hovered approximately 19 inches, or one TCU (Tom Cruise Unit, the height of one Tom Cruise), above the ground. The movement passed, and crisis was averted.

Keviin is now my life coach. We are actually on our way out the door, to hot grocery shop (like hot yoga, but with grocery shopping).

Before we go, I’d like to share a song with you that really complements the joy one derives from mocking another person’s core beliefs, like the ridiculous ones I had before I met Keviin.

Here’s “Guerreiro” by Curumin (Luciano Nakata Albuquerque), a Brazilian artist who marches to the beat of his own crazy set of electrical impulses. “Guerreiro” means “warrior” in Portuguese as long as someone speaking Portuguese is saying so.

Do remember, while it’s happening, to enjoy it.

Song: Guerreiro
Artist: Curumin
Album: Achados e Perdidos
Label: Quannum Projects
Listen: YouTube

331: Isolated Vocals of David Lee Roth, Michael Jackson

Uncle Funk’s Most Commandments
The Worst Vice Is Advice

InvincibleUncle Funk is most real when his eyes are locked with those of another terrestrial carbon unit in an unspoken reverence for the awesomeness of the universe into which all units have been vomited.

Uncle Funk is most alive when he is lost in an activity that engages his full being, when he ceases to exist as a self-aware entity, and escapes to the form of a pure force maneuvering with geometric precision.

Uncle Funk is most certain when he is dancing.

Uncle Funk is most significant when he is helping others, creating a richer world by his presence.

Uncle Funk is most lightly tethered when he ponders what it means to be living inside a mystery, wrapped inside a create-your-own-adventure story.

Uncle Funk is most satisfied when he is eating his mom’s home cooking.

Uncle Funk is most fulfilled after he works at length on a complex problem requiring the disciplined and rigorous application of skills crafted over days or years to accomplish a predetermined goal.

Uncle Funk is most humbled when he considers his species’ climb out of the swamp, past cataclysms and alternate histories, to shiver and cower in the brush, before swinging through the forest, to walk boldly upright, and finally, to march forward as the self he is today, a clump of sentient cells, an infinite sum in a lilliputian package, contemplating its own snapshot journey along the edge of the universe that nursed it.


Michael Jackson and David Lee Roth are all over space right now. Their voices are literally being carried, as you read and comprehend these words, on radio waves spanning and spreading across billions and billions of light years, planting the musical seeds of humanity across space and time.

Here are isolated vocals from Van Halen’s “Running With The Devil” and Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough.”

Enjoy them the most.

323: “Your Mother Was My Teacher” by Mike Dillon’s Go-Go Jungle

Your mother was my vibraphone.She looked me in the eye and she said…

…My arms are super hairy.

…I had an internship in college slicing rat brains into thin layers like at Arby’s.

…I’ll throw oranges at you if pay me enough.

…No, I can’t poop at work!

…I only date guys who have had face tattoos removed.

…”Your Mother Was My Teacher” by Mike Dillon’s Go-Go Jungle, is from Battery Milk (2007). The band is centered around frontman/vibraphonist Mike Dillon. The song is a colorful documentation of a simple, precipitous conversation.


Song: Your Mother Was My Teacher
Artist: Mike Dillon’s Go-Go Jungle
Album: Battery Milk
Label: Hyena Records
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: MOG | Rdio | Spotify | YouTube (Live)