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332: “Guerreiro” by Curumin

The answer is right behind your right ear.I met a Scientologist recently who changed my mind about Scientology. You see, I was guilty of judging Scientology by the fact that it was created by a sci-fi author and more than seven hundred other reasons based on sound logic and elementary discernment.

But then a Scientologist named Keviin from North Hollywood gave me the gift of perspective.

From the moment Keviin and I first met, our connection was strong. We went directly into a man-hug right at the start of the handshake. I laughed naturally several times during pleasantries before noting that Keviin smelled like honeysuckle. When I commented on the aroma, Keviin showed me the honeysuckle gland all Scientologists manifest behind their ears as part of their development. The gland was invisible, but the smell was undeniable!

Color me intrigued, Keviin!!

Keviin further bolstered the legitimacy of a religion that markets expensive services to egocentric millionaires when he literally levitated.

Background on the levitation: Captain T. Cruise was having an horrific bowel movement right at that moment, which was communicated via a telepathic distress call for psychokinetic prostate massage. And when Keviin remotely massaged Tom Cruise’s prostate with his mind, his corporeal body hovered approximately 19 inches, or one TCU (Tom Cruise Unit, the height of one Tom Cruise), above the ground. The movement passed, and crisis was averted.

Keviin is now my life coach. We are actually on our way out the door, to hot grocery shop (like hot yoga, but with grocery shopping).

Before we go, I’d like to share a song with you that really complements the joy one derives from mocking another person’s core beliefs, like the ridiculous ones I had before I met Keviin.

Here’s “Guerreiro” by Curumin (Luciano Nakata Albuquerque), a Brazilian artist who marches to the beat of his own crazy set of electrical impulses. “Guerreiro” means “warrior” in Portuguese as long as someone speaking Portuguese is saying so.

Do remember, while it’s happening, to enjoy it.

Song: Guerreiro
Artist: Curumin
Album: Achados e Perdidos
Label: Quannum Projects
Listen: YouTube

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331: Isolated Vocals of David Lee Roth, Michael Jackson

Uncle Funk’s Most Commandments
or
The Worst Vice Is Advice

InvincibleUncle Funk is most real when his eyes are locked with those of another terrestrial carbon unit in an unspoken reverence for the awesomeness of the universe into which all units have been vomited.

Uncle Funk is most alive when he is lost in an activity that engages his full being, when he ceases to exist as a self-aware entity, and escapes to the form of a pure force maneuvering with geometric precision.

Uncle Funk is most certain when he is dancing.

Uncle Funk is most significant when he is helping others, creating a richer world by his presence.

Uncle Funk is most lightly tethered when he ponders what it means to be living inside a mystery, wrapped inside a create-your-own-adventure story.

Uncle Funk is most satisfied when he is eating his mom’s home cooking.

Uncle Funk is most fulfilled after he works at length on a complex problem requiring the disciplined and rigorous application of skills crafted over days or years to accomplish a predetermined goal.

Uncle Funk is most humbled when he considers his species’ climb out of the swamp, past cataclysms and alternate histories, to shiver and cower in the brush, before swinging through the forest, to walk boldly upright, and finally, to march forward as the self he is today, a clump of sentient cells, an infinite sum in a lilliputian package, contemplating its own snapshot journey along the edge of the universe that nursed it.

~

Michael Jackson and David Lee Roth are all over space right now. Their voices are literally being carried, as you read and comprehend these words, on radio waves spanning and spreading across billions and billions of light years, planting the musical seeds of humanity across space and time.

Here are isolated vocals from Van Halen’s “Running With The Devil” and Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough.”

Enjoy them the most.

323: “Your Mother Was My Teacher” by Mike Dillon’s Go-Go Jungle

Your mother was my vibraphone.She looked me in the eye and she said…

…My arms are super hairy.

…I had an internship in college slicing rat brains into thin layers like at Arby’s.

…I’ll throw oranges at you if pay me enough.

…No, I can’t poop at work!

…I only date guys who have had face tattoos removed.

…”Your Mother Was My Teacher” by Mike Dillon’s Go-Go Jungle, is from Battery Milk (2007). The band is centered around frontman/vibraphonist Mike Dillon. The song is a colorful documentation of a simple, precipitous conversation.

Enjoy.

Song: Your Mother Was My Teacher
Artist: Mike Dillon’s Go-Go Jungle
Album: Battery Milk
Label: Hyena Records
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: MOG | Rdio | Spotify | YouTube (Live)

319: “Black Jesus” by 9 Lazy 9

Italian band photos are like Yeti sighting photosMy shorts are plaid and my legs are thin. My glasses are seven years old, and I know the Latin names of dozens of species. I am a Pisces and I enjoy taking long walks in other people’s shoes.

I wonder openly and often what cavemen would think about things today.

I listen to music like “Black Jesus” by 9 Lazy 9, from Paradise Blown (2003). 9 Lazy 9, an Italian-based group, sounds, smells, looks, and tastes like Ninja Tunes. I dig that secret agent sound.

And if you like the picture I’m painting, we should meet up somewhere tonight. We just need to sync up our lucid dream cycles to astrally connect. I’ll shoot for 3.37am. I will be the one wearing tassels and an ornate codpiece, and I’ll be yelling your name loudly.

Sweet dreams, and enjoy.

Song: Black Jesus
Artist: 9 Lazy 9
Album: Paradise Blown
Label: Ninja Tunes
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: Rdio | Spotify | Youtube

316: “Back To My Old Tricks” by Diesler (featuring Linda Bloemhard)

What I see over there is profoundly profound.Some people sneeze like a kitten. Some people sneeze like an ambush. Some people sneeze like a teapot. Some people sneeze like a string of firecrackers. Some people sneeze like a pile of sandbags on a grenade.

I sneeze like I am trying to pressure wash strangers. I am kidding unless you’re afraid of germs, in which case, not only am I serious, I am looking for you in malls and public spaces. And you should also know that your body contains 10 times more bacterial cells than human cells, you are so rife with them!*

Also, toilets sneeze booty germs into the air every time you flush, yet we all seem to avoid massive infection and make do. Pun intended (and a fist bump, right?!?).

I am, as they say, just sayin’.

Of course, there is no substitute for good hygiene, but for all you germ freaks out there, I want you to know that eating road kill most certainly is a viable alternative lifestyle, just like being a hippie or a hand model. It ain’t right you judge me.

~

Let’s see, where was I?… Oh yeah, music so funky it’d make you wipe your hands across unsanitized surfaces! Because this cat, Diesler, gots some contagious and funky tendencies. So without further ado, I present a song sopping with organic ooze, “Back To My Old Tricks” from Tie Breakers (2010).

Enjoy.

*Dr. Carolyn Bohach, University of Idaho microbiologist – ScientificAmerican.com

Song: Back To My Old Tricks
Artist: Diesler
Album: Tie Breakers
Label: Unique Records
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: MOG | Rdio | Spotify

315: “Karte” by Shugo Tokumaru

This test tube contains my music.Shugo Tokumaru creeps out of a hole under the carpet beneath your bed while you are at work. He diligently labors at something in the air with his speedy fingers that no human eyes can see, weaving and tussling. When he is done a few hours later, he plucks the invisible something out of the air, crams it back into his satchel, and squeezes himself back through the hole in your floor.

He is making Japanese music.

I just gave it all away. The Little People will be after me now. Shugo’s new album is In Focus? (2013). A specimen from his 2006 album L.S.T. is below.

Evidenced for biographical insight, below is a detailed translation of the back cover of a travel pamphlet Shugo Tokumaru once sat upon:

Southern-American Euphemisms – And Translations

you sure got yer dumplins mushed – you’re ugly

colder’n a witchy areola – quite cold indeed

hotter’n a skivvy swamp – quite hot indeed

like a pocketful of mayonnaise – useless

shut your face, you jackass – I do not care for you

ah eight squirrel brains – I eat squirrel brains

hornswoggled as a junebug/woolybooger in a snuff pouch/spit can – confused/bedraggled

America the Beautiful! Flights daily.

Enjoy!

Song: Karte
Artist: Shugo Tokumaru
Album: L.S.T.
Label: Active Suspension
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: MOG | Rdio | Spotify
Watch: YouTube

311: “Ain’t He Heavy, He’s My Brother” by Wagon Christ

Aerodynamo.How to (totally) meditate:

Find a quiet spot without any obvious distractions, free of precariously positioned buckets of water, and for the love of chakra, no bubblewrap.

Clear your mind. Focus on your breathing and picture a single image in your mind, like the flame of a candle but not the itch on your nose, or the fact that little bugs live in your eyelashes. Block that out.

No, you can’t force your mind to clarity. You must let serenity happen to you. It is okay for other thoughts to come up. Be aware of those thoughts and then let them pass. Feel yourself letting thoughts into your awareness and out of your awareness. Yes, it’s easy to get caught up in an infinity loop with the whole thinking about what you’re thinking about thing. But let that pass, too. Then let letting things pass pass, and so on, thereby creating an infinity loop of letting go to cancel out the infinity loop of awareness.

Be super careful not to mess it up at this point. If you were to think about whether you paid your light bill or a random stupid thing you said a week ago to somebody, you would totally lose the enlightenment value of the whole shebang and you might as well go eat an animal as sit here and waste time.

Anyway, when you’re floating on the current of being in a bubble of serene oneness with creation, picture something really important to you like your favorite finger food, or the spot where you like to sit on the couch. You know, the stuff that matters. It’ll feel like banging an emotional prayer gong in the middle of your soul.

Yet you’re still at peace and clear-minded and all at this point, and when you’re really like “whoa” on a level you’ve never been so like “whoa” before, then you know you just totally meditated.

You could also spend some minutes of your transit down the current of being listening to “Ain’t He Heavy, He’s My Brother” by Wagon Christ, theistic alias for Luke Vibert, a British artist/producer who gots chops like farmers.

Enjoy.

Song: Aint He Heavy, He’s My Brother
Artist: Wagon Christ
Album: Toomorrow
Label: Ninja Tune
Buy from: Amazon | iTunes
Listen: MOG | Spotify
Watch: YouTube